Going into my Junior year of college, feelings of excitement, joy and anxiety overwhelmed my mind and body. I was anxious to see all the friends I hadn’t seen for the three months of summer, what the fall softball season would be like, how my classes would turn out. I was excited for the fun adventures I had been planning out, the sporting events I would attend and the eventful year that I had in store. I could feel a bright future full of happiness, fun and success.
I started the year the happiest I had ever been. Not one ounce of sadness had crept upon me. Then, when I least expected it, it hit me all at once; it all began to set in. I wasn’t ready for the confusion, the tears, the wishing. From health issues, to going back and forth on what I want my future to look like, I was in a time of sadness and distress. My life felt so dark and unknown, I sat and wondered would I ever figure it out, would I ever be my happy self again.
Coming into college, I had my major declared. I told everyone, I would have a marketing degree by the time I graduated. As I went through classes and I continued to feel no interest and no passion, I began to think to myself is this something I see myself doing for the rest of my life? Is this really the right major for me? Is this the path that I want to take? In the end, I didn’t know. I had never thought of anything else, I didn’t even think about marketing it was just something people told me id be good at so I went with it. I had realized I had never sat down to think about what I personally would love to do, what truly interests me, what will make me the happiest throughout the next years of my life. So, I decided to take some journalism classes in which I thought I loved. I thought, wow this is the major for me. With that, I filed for a major in Digital Media Production and began a double major in order to continue my marketing track just in case.
Then, the summer before my junior year, I had an internship at Des Moines Radio Group in which I thought to myself maybe broadcast is what I actually want to do. I emailed my advisor and switched from Digital Media Production to Broadcast News. So excited for this semester and what was to come with this new change I felt so much excitement. I had finally found something I was good at, something I could see myself doing in the future. As I really do like this and I might enjoy being a sports broadcaster sitting on the sidelines at games, interacting with players, it scares me. Are there even any jobs in the world for me to accomplish this? I might enjoy it, but I don’t know if I would enjoy it for the rest of my life, enough to fight to pursue this so-called ‘dream job’. So I thought to myself, what now? I love writing, but I only like to write when its what I want to write about, not a given topic and a given deadline. I love social media, but where will that take me? I sit here and see all my peers figuring out their lives, I see them achieving these amazing internships and jobs and loving what they’re doing. Why can’t I find that? When will I find that? When will it click? When will I figure out what I was meant to do?
Coming to Drake University I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know that I would be changing my mind this late in my college career. I didn’t know I would have so many questions about the future and about life, but I did know that after my freshman year I wanted to find a way to get athletes to be one. I wanted the athletes at Drake to support one another and interact with one another. If we couldn’t support each other, how and why should we expect other students to support us? Throughout the semester I have been planning an event within the athletic department at Drake University. The athlete Olympics which will include athletes competing in a series of events with players from other athletic teams. Its going to happen this December and I have had the time of my life planning it. I enjoy planning, its something I could see myself doing in the future, but then there is this sense of nervousness. This sense that makes me scared. What if its just something that only makes me happy this one time? Again, are there any jobs out there that would allow me to be successful in this area? What if I am not as good at this as I think I could be? What if people don’t show up? What if people show up and the event is a total bust? What If I forget to plan something and the day of the event it turns out to be terrible? What if I embarrass myself? So many thoughts run through my head, I’ve become more afraid of failure than fulfilling something that makes me happy.
I felt stuck, I didn’t know where to run, so I went to a friend. I asked “How did you figure it out? How did you find your passion? How did you get past the fear and the unknown?” She replied, “Prayer. God is the answer when you feel like you’ve come to a halt. Pray to move forward, tell him your thoughts and feelings.” I lay in bed and pray every night, every morning. I told her how mostly, I’ve only prayed for others, how I feel selfish to pray for myself. She said, “God wants to be there for you, he wants to be your biggest support, but he can’t help you unless you help him. You have to help him understand what is going on and what it is exactly that you want.” Hearing those words scared me even more, but I tried it and in the end praying for the event and praying for the peace of mind in making decisions has helped ease the stress that has overwhelmed my body.
I am now half way through my junior year and I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. Every now and then I get this ounce of hope when I enjoy something, but it slowly fades. Its late, I should know by now and I know I don’t have time to have this unknown. I don’t have the time to switch my degree, but I don’t know where my passion stands. I still question myself and have questions about the future. I still get anxious and scared. Though I still do not have answers and I still have an abundant amount of anxiety through school and health, this semester has been one of learning. Learning who my true friends are. Learning how to trust myself. Learning how to be okay when things go wrong. I’ve learned to be okay with the unknown. I pray, I hope that I will figure it all out soon and God will show me my path giving me the answers I need before its extremely too late. Overall, I’ve learned its okay to be nervous. Its okay to be scared. Its okay to have the unknowns. Every one figures out what makes them happy at different times in their life. Society gives us this feeling of living by a time line. You must have your career figured out by the time you graduate high school. You must fall in love by the end of college. You must begin your family straight out of graduation. You must be successful by the time you’re 25 or you’ll fail. I have none of that. I have every unknown in my life, but one day those unknowns will all become a distant memory. I don’t know what my future holds or where it will take me, but I do know, I am okay with being uncomfortable, having this unknown.
In the end, this semester has taught me: Take each day as it comes as it will never come back again. Every day will teach you a new lesson leading you on the path you’re meant to be on.
“Call to me and I will answer you, and I will tell you great and mighty things, which you do not know.” –Jeremiah 33:3